Can i not drive my cunt home
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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