my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
