omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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