he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
