ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
