the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
