It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
