I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
