Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
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