I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
