As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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