whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
