He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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