Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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