im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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