So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
