You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I have already put on my inside pants.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
