My liver just broke up with me...
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
