I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
