I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Just invented taco cereal.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
