she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
