If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
