I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
