He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Randomize
