3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
