We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
