This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
