I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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