Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
