When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
