He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
