I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
