Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
