we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
i drank out of a bidet.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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