I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
