I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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