My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
