every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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