if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Randomize
