I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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