I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
