I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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