Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
