A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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