shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
