dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
