I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I want to make a zoo with you.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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