that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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