Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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