I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
