I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I am naked and annoyed.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
