i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
me + whiskey = a bad person
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
