can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
