Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Walk of Shame today included voting.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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