allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
