Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
