I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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